


Fatality of feminine footwear(among other things)

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack-ish, Credit to Titan High for mentioning this, Eren is constantly abused, M/M, Petra is MEAN, and has fatal stilettos, and scary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-23 22:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2558264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren manages to crash a wedding, almost kill himself, steal a boyfriend already in a tuxedo (that was definitely, 100 percent straight) and wire his jaw shut after Levi nearly ripped it off. All in one fucking day.</p><p>Listen up, kids, this is how I met your mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fatality of feminine footwear(among other things)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I don't even.

Don't drink and drive. Pretty self explanatory.

Eren should just get a ban of--don't drive in general. The first time he sat behind a wheel, he took out a pole from behind and crumbled the lights, nearly lit the town on fire by burning the wire and blowing up the block's fuse box. Another time, he drove his family down a fucking cliff. And another time, he crashed a wedding with his Mustang. 

If you ask him, he'll genuinely say he didn't regret anything. Blowing up the fuse box nearly landed him a job in an underhanded criminal society. Taking his fam down the cliff got them right into Alabama after hours of being lost. And about crashing that wedding--it's a story.

It makes Eren grin with accomplishment and a little bit of pride. By far, he was the most original. No confessing bullshit, no first kisses; just crashing a completely straight dude's wedding. He was running late to a job interview that afternoon, phone squished between his shoulder and cheek as he frantically bitched, steered with a hand, sipped his coffee with another. Horns blare, lights blind him, and he swerves just out of reach of a truck blasting his way.

He abruptly jerks to a stop after crawling over the sidewalk and grass, hissing at the sting of the hot coffee spill down the front of his shirt. There were collective screams and profanities flooding in through his open window, but one severely pained one stood out the most.

"What the bloody rat's fart are you doing, young man?" A lady shouted in his face, almost strangling him.

"I'm sorry--crap, what happened?" He thoughtlessly slammed his door open, knocking her down, back first."fuck, I'm sorry." He helped her up and she hit him on the head with her purse. He massaged his scalp with a cringe, eyes darting around the chaos before him.

Ladies in dresses, men all suited up, an arc of flowers, little girls with bouquets, tables he'd crashed into and flipped over--well, fuck. A figure in a considerably posh tuxedo was folded in half on the ground, bride fussing over him."What's the matter, your leg got run over?"

"I _wish_." He grits, everyone gathering around him."You jumped a yard high and stomped on my-- _Owww_. Foot."

Collective cringes. Eren threw a few glances around, debating how far he'd make it if he ripped his license plate off and made a dash for it. The woman in the red dress gave him a murderous look, waving her purse at him. "Wait till I get my hands on you."

Eren bites thumb, runs over to the groom."I think he needs immediate attention right now."

"Hospital's around the block." Someone said, clearly not realizing just who he was.

"Really? That's good." Eren says, scooping the guy up without warning."Oof--for a little guy, you sure are heavy."

He blinked down at the beautiful face he cradled; pale and flushed, eyes covered in thick eyelashes that pierced his heart from one end to the other. Then fingers dug into his face, he distinctly heard a crack, and the pretty groom proceeded in trying to yank off his jaw."You wanna know what's little?"

"Ow, fuck, I'm sorry--" Eren forced him into the backseat of his car, the bride bundling up her dress and clattering over to him in her sharp little heels. Eren was suddenly pressed up against his car with an arm around his throat, and the edge of a stiletto digging into his chest.

He slowly lifted his gaze up to meet a murderously dainty scowl, ginger hair falling loose from it's bun."You know what this heel can do if it can break my husband's foot? It can send you smack dab into the deepest _hell_ , you little bitch."

Eren swallows.

"Petra, for fuck's sake, kill him later." Came a muffled groan from the back seat, and her eyes instantly morphed into glossy, worried little orbs as she rushed towards him."Oh, darling, you poor thing." She pets his head, then stomps over to the passenger seat, shuffles in in a flurry of white and glittery make up, then slams the door so hard it physically pains Eren. 

"Hey, that's my car." He mumbles as he starts the engine again.

"Well that was my fucking _wedding_." He gets smacked with a bouquet of flowers, red petals sticking to his hair and falling in his lap. He drove as quick as possible, pained moans vaguely reaching his ears from the back.

They reached hospital, and she clattered out again in her heels and wedding dress. Eren stood and watched dumbly till she kicked him."Don't just stand there, carry him already."

Eren gives him an apologetic expression and holds out his arms, and he gives him another murderous glare from underneath his disheveled bangs as Eren picks him up. Heavy little guy, he was hella taught with muscles. Eren internally grinned when arms wrapped around his neck, wishing he could make a 'I'm stealing your husband' joke out of this. She would probably step on his face and carry her little guy if he did.

"Don't you dare fucking trip." Groom manages between clenched teeth and hisses of pain."You'll buy me a tux if you get this one stained."

"Just a tux?" Petra says, bewildered."He's going to pay for our entire wedding, the asshat."

Eren groaned, getting more murderous threatens from the couple as he struggles into the emergency wing. He was vaguely aware of a twinge of pain in his cheek muscles, his jaw. They sit there and wait, Eren shying away from the enraged bride's gaze. 

"Levi, honey pie." She croons, snuggling his head."It's alright."

Eren sneers, but keeps note. Levi. Hmm. 

A few minutes later, a bossy nurse comes and takes Levi in. She insists that Eren definitely has his jaw dislocated and needs to tend to it.  Levi would've looked pleased with himself if he wasn't in so much pain.

"Alright, asswipe." Petra declares as she wheels her not quite yet husband through the sterile smelling halls, Eren strolling along with his unattractively wired jaw that made him look like an A grade criminal."We have some things to discuss."

"Like?" Eren idiotically blurts. 

She nearly pops a vein in her forehead and grinds her teeth against her bottom lip in anger."Like how you fucked up THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Look at my fucking husband, do you see the anguish? The disappointment? The cardiac arrest?"

Eren blinks at the raven, who looked content sitting there in a chair as he got pampered. His eyes slid toward the brunet and he flipped him off. Eren leans back and gives her a grin."You have good taste."

She giggles."I _know_. He's such a darling." 

Levi placed his chin in his hand and blinked off ahead. It was like the girl had momentarily forgotten that she had to be pissed out of her ass. " _You_." She hisses."You'd better not be sugar coating your crimes."

"Of course not. I'm just a person who appreciates beauty." 

Her eyes narrow. Levi doesn't seem like he hears a thing."Are you single?"

"No." Eren scoffed, internally laughing.

"Are you gay?"

"Psh, _no_." That was the biggest lie he'd ever told. Ever. 

"Good, then." A grin. A blanket of dark aura."Bitch, I want all my wedding expenses back."

"Yeah, I wipe my ass with fifty dollar bills."

"You have a _Mustang_."

"But--"

"Are you seriously having this argument?" Levi huffs."Petra, who said anything about...wedding expenses?"

"Excuse me? I mean are you _blind_ or something?" She breathed fire through her nose.

Eren sat back and watched the scene unfold. 

"You can't do a wedding twice--if it's fucked up, then it's fucked up."

She abruptly stops."What're your trying to say? You don't wanna marry me anymore because some airheaded motherfucker decided to run us all over?"

He rolls his eyes."That's obviously not what I fucking said--"

"Shh." Some random woman passing by snaps, covering her little boy's ears."Watch your tongue, young man."

Levi's gaze hardens."Hey, little boy, remember to use the word fuck in copious amounts because you obviously won't hear it from any other fucker than me."

She gasps in offense, rushes past."What's the matter with you?"

Eren covers a chortle with his hand. The argument picks up again, Petra whipping up huge comical tears out of nowhere, mascara running down her face."I never knew you felt that way."

"Do you ever wait one fucking second and listen to what I have to say? When did feelings come into this?" 

Some random punk walks by, imitating in a nasal voice,"Watch your mouth, young man."

Levi's jaw clenches."You," He says, gesturing towards Eren."Hit 'em for me."

Eren springs after him and his shoes squeak as he runs away, the brunet coming back snickering. They were still at it.

"You know what, I'm sick of this." There was a puddle around her feet by now, as she fruitlessly tugged on the ring around her finger."Get off, goddammit." After a round of wrestling, she yanks it off and throws it in Levi's face. She picked up her dress haughtily and began clopping off, amusingly misplaced in the hospital halls.

Eren watches the guy for any signs of depression. He stares at the ceiling, lips moving. Was that a prayer? Was that a hallelujah? 

She whips her head around to throw a,"I'm so glad I broke your foot, you insensitive bastard." 

He gives Eren a look."I'm so glad you ran us over."

"Really?" Eren tries to smile, but cringes when the mass of metal in his mouth jolts with pain."I'm not sure how to feel about this."

"You could take me home." He says tiredly.

"I can take you _home_ home? Cuz I don't mind keeping you." He takes the handles of the wheelchair before getting a reaction, continuing the tread down the hallway. He hears a barely audible grumble.

"How about you take me to my house so I can get out of these uncomfortable clothes and give that woman's father a heart attack."

"Wha?" Eren drawls in confusion.

"Arranged marriage." he says simply.

"Ohhhh."

"You were sent by god."

Eren snickers through his tightly secured teeth."So were you. Man, you have a strong grip."

Levi glances up at him, and Eren teasingly waggles his eyebrows and flashes his barbed wire covered teeth."Not too bad. They look like messy braces."

"I had braces for like, half of my life. Then last year I decided to kiss my best friend."

"Don't tell me he had braces."

"He did." Eren says through a laugh."We got the wired jaw affect. A total turn off, standing there for a good chunk of the day stuck together by the teeth. The doctor wasn't nice in ripping them off, too." Eren hums thoughtfully."That's why we decided to just be friends."

"And you're telling me this because?'

"I'm like, totally single."

"I guess I am too."

**Author's Note:**

> My crack is too serious.


End file.
